Tour de France

Having taken up triathlon three years ago, my interest in cycle racing has only increased. Watching the Tour de France this year was exciting and fascinating: all the strategy, rules, etiquette, teamwork, and battles. Seeing Lance Armstrong come back after a 4 year absence just added to that interest. The announcers of course help make the race. They are knowledgeable, interesting, and funny. Without them, "watching" all that racing would be impossible. It also didn't hurt that I've been working, at the same time, on a presentation for a class I'm teaching on eBay and Craigslist.

The Spaniard, Alberto Contador, rode into Paris in the Yellow Jersey. He was a phenomenal rider and definitely deserved to win. But seeing Lance end up on the podium in 3rd place was the story of the race for me. At 38 years old, his strength and riding ability are still amazing. I'm putting my LiveStrong wristband back on. Well done, Lance!

Age Is Just a Number

Olympic swimmer Dara Torres wrote a book (with Kathy Weil) called Age Is Just a Number: Achieve Your Dreams at Any Stage In Your Life. I have to say that I LOVE it. How could I not?! Dara talks about what swimming and competing feels like, how her comebacks proceeded, and what it was like to be an Olympic athlete at age 41. When I read on page 2 of the prologue:

"...I also wanted to prove to the world that you don't have to put an age limit on your dreams, that the real reason most of us fear middle age is that middle age is when we give up on ourselves."

I knew I had to read that book. I downloaded the audio version so I could listen while riding the spin bike and I'm on my second reading. As a swimmer I appreciate the story, her dedication to training, and her little insights into the competitive world. It doesn't hurt that I recognize the names of others swimmers and of her coaches, making it even more interesting. The thing that I like about it so much is that she set out to do something great and was very successful in her attempt. I understand her motives and can relate to what she says, even if my past experiences were not nearly at the same level as hers.

You can bet I'll be posting quotes from her book on my workout blog in the weeks to come.
2 thumbs up/4 out of 5 stars/recommended

52 Going on 13

Today was a great day, surrounded by so many friends and family members. All those people made the day very special. Going through the process of preparing for my bar mitzvah took two years of study and practice. It was quite an experience, more stressful than I expected, and a relief to have over. Though not perfect, I'm proud enough of what I did, reading Elu D'varim, singing half of Ashrei with one of my classmates, chanting one long verse from the Torah portion, and giving my speech. By request I'm posting the speech here.

Welcome everyone! Shabbat Shalom!

This week’s Torah portion is about the Israelites journeying out from the wilderness of Sinai, about troop movements, about who goes first, who leads who, who takes what, and so on. When you begin a journey sometimes you know where you plan to end up and sometimes you have no idea where the path you are taking will lead. You may not know what you’re getting into or maybe the path you’re on doesn’t end where you thought it would.

Raising kids can be like that. So can starting and running a business. Things evolve, goals change. One of my latest passions, triathlon, has been like that too. First I started out just trying to survive a 4 mile event with a friend and now, 3 years later, I’m entered in a 140 mile Ironman race.

My journey to this day, today, originates from when my family signed up for a UJF and AJE program called Pathways to Judaism in 1994. Following that 9 month program our family joined Temple Solel and found a home. Rabbi Frank became “my Rabbi”. Frances Caminer greeted us with friendly warmth and became our “Temple Mom”. Back then, never in my wildest imagination did I think this path would lead me to be standing here, doing this.

Ten years ago I watched my wife, Linda, learn prayers and Haftorah and then do them at her B’nei Mitzvah service. I thought, “Incredible. I could never do that!” Later that year I watched our son, Marc, learn prayers and his Torah portion and then do them at his Bar Mitzvah. I thought, “I could never do that!” [I can still hear Beba saying, “Marc, you are very smart.”] 3 years later I watched our son, Corey, learn prayers and his Torah portion and then do them at his Bar Mitzvah. Again I thought, “I could never do that!”

In 2006 Rabbi Brown’s Intro to Judaism class caught my interest. (The same year triathlon did, actually.) I didn’t start that class with the intention of converting… but convert I did! Then, with Linda’s encouragement and reassurance that “you can do it, I’ll help you”, I joined 9 other wonderful people in the B’nei Mitzvah class for 2 years of learning, practicing, sweating, and mastering.

And so, here we are. Until last month I was still thinking to myself, “I could never do this!” …But because I can do this I must offer my sincere thanks:
• Thanks to Anne Spindle for her positive, encouraging ways of teaching and for her frequent, enthusiastic Yo-fi’s
• Thanks to Cantor Kathy for joining me on many of my long training bike rides and runs when your chanting and singing frequently played in a continuous loop in my brain.
• Thanks to Judy Bricker for all your behind-the-scenes organizing and coordinating for our class.
• Thank you to Mom for being here today (who never imagined I’d be doing this!) and to my dad, whose Alzheimer’s keeps him away, but whose lucid acceptance of my conversion, while the disease was beginning to take away his memories, still amazes me.
• And thank you to all my family and friends who have come to help me mark this special day. (By the way, if you’re in on the wagering pool for how many times I mentioned triathlon, it was 4 times!)

I want to also acknowledge a childhood friend of mine named Bruce Nudell. I have no idea where he is today but as a preteen he was my only Jewish friend. When he was 13 my father and I were the only non-Jews invited to his Bar Mitzvah. That was my first peek into the Jewish world and I’ve never forgotten it.

I want to take a moment to remember Linda’s parents, who are no longer with us. Evelyne was, among many things, a Holocaust survivor who, while not Temple-going religious, demonstrated and lived wonderful Jewish values every day I knew her. She is represented on the ah-tara of my Tallit by the phrase from Elu D’varim, oogmeloot chasadim, “engaging in deeds of compassion”. And Irv, who, if he were here today, would be hitting me on the arm right about now and whispering, “Would you hurry it up?” (which he did at Corey Bar Mitzvah…so I will.

Lastly, thank you Linda, the love of my life, who made my beautiful tallit, who helped put me on this path, and who has given me encouragement and confidence to do things I thought I could never do.

You can’t always know where a path will lead you but good things can happen if you take the first step and put in the effort.

Shabbat Shalom

35 Years Ago

It seems that my fellow bloggers and I have run out of gas, or time, or desire, or a suitable subject, or something. Many times I have contemplated a political post must don't seem to have the energy.

Today's post began forming yesterday. I was at the pool at the YMCA when a number of local high school swimmers came onto the deck and waited for their coach. They were doing typical teenager things: grab assing, talking, playing around with goggles, talking on cell phones, texting. They were there for their final workout before CIF Finals. Which started me thinking: it's been THIRTY-FIVE years since my last high school swim meet!

I wanted to tell those kids that if swimming is important to them they will remember the meet for the rest of their lives. I am surprised at how much I do remember from that day and the day before. I remember at least parts of that last practice. After I got home I managed to injury my finger by sticking a crochet "needle" into it. Also, I don't remember for sure, but I think it was Coach Schmelley's thing to have us shave down two nights before the meet so that the final workout was done shaved. I know we did it that way as sophomores but not sure about our senior year. Though my club coach, Troy, offered me $100 to shave my head and be the first to do so in San Diego, my girlfriend threatened to not go to the prom with me if I did. So I didn't. In hindsight I made the wrong choice.

The meet finals were held, as always, at San Diego State. (The prelims were in Chula Vista.) I never really liked State's pool but at least we got to have a meet, Ironman Relays, there a few weeks before. My first event was the 50 Free. Though I'd swum it many times before I was anxious enough about it that I went over to Coach and asked him how to swim it. He went off on me wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I guess I was searching for a way to get psyched up because I wasn't really feeling it. This was before ipods or CD players or Sony Walkmans. Too bad I didn't find that little extra since I was beaten by .1 seconds. (This was before electronic timing.)

The 100 Free was my second event. I had spent many months aiming for this event. Psyching up wasn't a problem. I won easily but was disappointed with my time, a personal best 48.5. I don't remember my splits; maybe Laz does. With the 400 Free Relay my last event, I had one more chance to improve my time if I swam lead off. Schmelley said I needed to find 3 people to time my leg if I wanted it official so I could submit it for All-American consideration. If I remember right, between watching the other events, I recruited Laz, Troy, and Schmelley (?) to be timers.

I led off with a 48.2. My teammate (and sometime nemesis) went 2nd with a 49. We had a huge lead but our team was not deep enough to hold off the other relay teams. We did finish with Italiphil and another guy swimming their personal best times but not breaking 54's.

I was pleased with my improvement and submitted my All-American application. I found out later that it was not enough as it took a 47.9. I was pleased with my winning of the 100 Free but fell short of my goal timewise. I'll never know for certain whether my goal was realistic or not or whether or if I just didn't work hard enough. When you fall short I guess you can never know with absolute certainty.

After 35 years I certainly have no complaints. And I have to admit that the CIF Finals were the highlight of my swimming career.

As I did my laps on yesterday I kept thinking that I should say something to those high school swimmers swimming their last practice of the high school season: Focus on the moment tomorrow. Give it everything you've got inside of you. If you care at all about what you've spent so much time on, you're likely to remember the day and what you did, for the rest of your lives. (Especially if you have a lifelong friend around like I do. Thanks Laz.)

Ironman 70.3 Loose Ends + Ironman Arizona

I'm still buzzing from the accomplishment of finishing my first half Ironman. Without reservation I'm pleased with the outcome: finishing, and doing it in 5:33:53. With the foot injury it allows me to play the what if game, wondering what I could have done if only I had been able to train for the run over the previous 2 months.

Loose ends from the Oceanside 70.3 Triathlon...

1st, I want to apologize to my family and friends who I neglected in pursuit of this goal. Mrs Sladed has had to put up with my even smaller efforts in the housekeeping and yard work. I have been less than available to Laz for chats, working out, and hanging out. And when Italiphil moved a few weeks ago and borrowed the van, I didn't help him lift one box! Focused on my goal? Yes. Selfish? Yes. I'm sorry!

2nd, I just want to acknowledge another positive from the April 4 event. When I first contemplated doing a tri of any kind back in 2006, one of my big concerns was race day nutrition and whether I would be able to adapt and tolerate the nutrition requirements of such an event, given my lack of a colon and the issues I've had. Not only did I wonder if my system could handle the nutrition that athletes use during races but also, would I have to make multiple stops in the Biffy (i.e. portapotty)? This unknown has worked out just fine for me so far and given me confidence that I can go a full 140.6 mile Ironman, at least nutritionally!

3rd, I regret not staying for the awards and "roll down" at the end of the race. One Ironman Kona spot was offered to the top finisher (that was not me of course). Also offered was one spot in my age group to the Ironman 70.3 World Championship in Clearwater, Florida. The way it works is it goes to the highest placed person who is there in person who wants to accept it. Even though I finished 37th I could have taken the spot as it rolled down to something like 45th place! If there's a next time I think I'll stick around just in case. I think it would be an awesome experience to participate in that race even if I'm not likely to be very competitive. Just being there with all those great athletes (and with the TV cameras!) would be cool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am already thinking about Arizona and the new mental challenge that I anticipate it will present. This will be my first triathlon that has a mass start. All the triathlons I've been in have wave starts where different age groups start at different times. In Arizona, since there's a good chance I'll be in the top 30% coming out of the water, it is highly likely that there will be many athletes, especially younger ones, who will ride and run faster than me. This means that many will be passing me on the course. This will be a new experience because most of the time in wave start triathlons the older and slower athletes are behind me and very few ever pass me. On the contrary, I have the motivating pleasure of passing younger, slower athletes that were ahead of me because of their earlier swim start. I know that this is really a psychological issue but it is an important one I somehow need to prepare for as part of this 12 hour race.

Ironman 70.3 California - The Recap

If you don't mind, I'd like to share a little of the 70.3 (half Ironman distance) triathlon from yesterday. Yes, it's self-indulgent but some people don't mind if I spill a little of my experience.

Here are the dry statistics first:
There were 146 men entered in my 50 to 54 age group and a total of 2113 men and women participating.
SWIM 1.2 mi., split time 28:42, pace 1:30/100m, 2nd in age group, 150th overall
T1 (transition) 8:26
BIKE 56 mi. split time 2:50:09, pace 19.75 mph, 26th in age group, 504th overall
T2 2:20
RUN 13.1 mi. (half marathon) split time 2:04:16, pace 9:29/mile, 51st in age group, 1102nd overall
Final time 5:33:53. I was 38th in my age group out of 146 men and 716th overall of 2113 athletes.

I hope you don't mind but I'd like to start with my concluding 2 paragraphs first.

Completing this Ironman 70.3 and doing it in a pretty respectable time for a 50+ year old is a dream come true. Taking on a challenge, setting a goal, and working to achieve that goal is a very satisfying process. While it is true that this is really an intermediate goal, a stepping stone, to my ultimate goal of a full distance Ironman, I am not making the mistake of overlooking this success in itself. Mrs. Sladed has been supportive all along the way and allowed me to stay committed and consistent in my preparation. Having her be there and knowing that she helped me achieve the dream has made it all the more special.


Son 1 came down from LA and took some great picture! (And we went out for a great Mex food dinner last night.) Mom was there for the start of the event and then had to leave to be with "dear old dad". It's a little sad to know that Dad ("Frank") isn't able to enjoy the sports scene or watch the competition anymore thanks to Alzheimer's Disease. He spent many fine weekends coaching or watching my Bro and I playing sports when we were younger. (He especially love the long, boring age group swim meets that seemed to take forever!) It was unfortunate that Son 2 had to work but his friend, our "Son 3", aka Armymat, came and saw part of the run. I know that Laz, Italiphil, and my bro 441 all checked up on me via the race tracker link. Thanks to everyone for being a part of this meaningful, emotional day!


And now, back to the start of this post...

I can't help but be pleased with my effort and result, this being my first ever triathlon at this distance. The T1 was very slow because I was so concerned about the cold that I took extra time to get arm warmers, toe warmers, and full-fingered gloves on. Without that I could have saved 4 to 5 minutes...but would have been more uncomfortable on the ride. The run split appears to be slow thanks to plantar faciitus and 2 months of next to no running except in the pool. It was a struggle most of the way: painful foot and quads that had a tough time working under the affects of gravity! All things considered, 2:04 for my 1/2 marathon split was pretty darn good.

With the ocean temp at 59 degrees on race morning, I had been very concerned about it. As it turned out, thanks to adrenaline and a nice triathlon wetsuit, the water was, if not comfortable, at least quite tolerable. As usual I felt like I took a good line and swam a slightly shorter distance than many of the other competitors around me. I always feel sorry for the swimmers in the group(s) that start before mine because the slower swimmers end up getting run over/swum over by the leaders of my group. And they're the ones that can tolerate that the least because they are the least competent and comfortable out there in the first place. For the first time I managed to get some drafting benefit by swimming right behind one of the leaders in my group for the last third of the 1.2 miles.

Transition 1 was slow, as I mentioned before. I had a tough time getting the arm warmers on my wet arms and the bike gloves were a tight squeeze. I could feel the time slipping by, and the stress increase, as I struggled more than usual getting my stuff on before running out with my bike to the "mount line" so I could hop on and get going.

The bike went well. I was never very cold thanks to the precautions. The hills that came beginning at mile 29 were not as bad as expected. The hill training I did, along with the 3 Century rides, plus the studio cycle/spin classes, really helped prepare me to handle this mere 56 mile ride. Though I'd hoped to average at least 20 mph, it was still faster than any of the Century rides leading up to this. Adrenaline and the constant presence of other riders definitely have their impact on you out there on the road to push you and make you work harder.

Transition 2 was the opposite of T1 - fast. I got the bike stuff off and the running shoes on in 2:20.

I did forget to take of my 2nd shirt (a 2nd layer I added for the bike ride) so when I found Mrs Sladed and Son 1 early on, I stripped it off and gave it to them before going on. I wasn't thinking at all clearly though and struggled to get it off while still holding my liquid carbohydrates and my hat. It was probably funny to everyone but me. The first 2 miles or so were brutal before I got some sort of rhythm going. Despite that I started at a good pace, a pace that I couldn't maintain as the foot pain increased and the quads began to bark at me in protest. Also within those first 2 miles was the cruel first quarter mile section of running on beach sand. Returning to that sand 3 more times was not something I looked forward to. The 2nd loop was slower than the first loop as I struggled along. The final 2 miles or so did feel a little better, though not faster. It probably was pumped that I was going to finish and achieve what I had worked for. A few times, especially near the end, I started to get emotional and had to reel it in so I wouldn't loose focus.

As I crossed the finish line I resisted the urge to stop my watch. You don't want to have your finish line picture of you pushing a button on your wristwatch. I learned that from last year's marathon. As soon as you cross they have people handing out cups of water, other people removing your timing chip, and still others giving you your finisher's medal, shirt, and hat. If you look wobbly they'll direct you to the medical tent. Otherwise you head to the food and drink tent. I took a moment to have a little emotional cry, one of three before heading home.

In the food tent were stacks and stacks of pizza boxes. Water and Gatorade were being poured. And there were bananas and plain bagels piled up for you to eat at the tables. There was no beer or O'Douls in sight. I didn't stay in there because I wanted to find my support team who'd spent 6 hours at the race. After a brief connection I went to the medical tent to ice my foot. That ice eventually served a second important purpose: icing the O'Douls nonalcoholic beer I'd brought in my gear bag for after the race. Ice in beer? Darn right!

Asides:

• There was one guy who rode the bike and ran the 13.1 miles dressed as Elvis
• I was passed on the run by at least 3 challenged athletes - two in wheelchairs and one a single leg amputee
• One athlete had a marriage proposal printed on his shirt
• The best aid station at the race was an unofficial one. Some woman sat at the end of her driveway and had dozens of water bottles and a bowl of ice available for anyone to take. 3 of the 4 times I past her I took ice and stuffed it under my running hat to keep me cooler.
• I only managed to loose 1 thing at the event: a bike bottle. And that happened in the morning darkness, at least an hour and a half before the start. I also (purposely) left behind a pair of worn out dress socks and some $3 flip flops that I wore for the 40 minutes I spent waiting in the line before the swim start, keeping my feet warm. More than one guy expressed black sock/flip flop envy as we waited.
• All along the bike course, but especially just past bumps in the road, you find bike debris. Water bottles, inner tubes, CO2 canisters, energy gels, and even mandatory race numbers that you're required to wear.

Completing this Ironman 70.3 and doing it in a pretty respectable time for a 50+ year old is a dream come true. Taking on a challenge, setting a goal, and working to achieve that goal is a very satisfying process. While it is true that this is really an intermediate goal, a stepping stone, to my ultimate goal of a full distance Ironman, I am not making the mistake of overlooking this success in itself. Mrs. Sladed has been supportive all along the way and allowed me to stay committed and consistent in my preparation. Having her be there and knowing that she helped me achieve the dream has made it all the more special.

Son 1 came down from LA and took some great picture! (And we went out for a great Mex food dinner last night.) Mom was there for the start of the event and then had to leave to be with "dear old dad". It's a little sad to know that Dad ("Frank") isn't able to enjoy the sports scene or watch the competition anymore thanks to Alzheimer's Disease. He spent many fine weekends coaching or watching my Bro and I playing sports when we were younger. (He especially love the long, boring age group swim meets that seemed to take forever!) It was unfortunate that Son 2 had to work but his friend, our "Son 3", aka Armymat, came and saw part of the run. I know that Laz, Italiphil, and my bro 441 all checked up on me via the race tracker link. Thanks to everyone for being a part of this meaningful, emotional day!

Ironman 70.3 California is Here

Please note that this may sound like narcissism, self-promotion, egotism, selfishness, self-centeredness, and/or self-absorbtion but really it's just narcissism, self-promotion, egotism, selfishness, self-centeredness, and/or self-absorbtion.

My legions of enthusiastic fans (aka Get Sladed Nation) may be interested to know that this Saturday, 4 April 2009, I will be participating (or should I say competing?) in the Ironman 70.3 California in Oceanside. It's my first half Ironman distance: 1.2 mile swim followed by a 56 mile bike ending with a 13.1 mile run. After 32 weeks of training that's been focused on this event I'll be at the starting line, though I won't be completely ready thanks to a case of plantar faciitus. I am hoping the foot will cooperate so I can finish but there's always the chance I'll have to stop during the half marathon and end up with the dreaded DNF (Did Not Finish) next to my name.

Since all of you are dying to be there to watch, my swim group takes off at 7:13 am. My wave, comprised of 18-24 and 50-55 year old men, will be wearing pink swim caps. (Son 2 is very excited!) The bike leg of the race takes place on Camp Pendleton so, except for the exit from the transition area, you'll have to wait until the riders return before you can catch the run portion and the finish. That might be a good time to take a nap or have breakfast, though I understand that it can be quite entertaining to watch the athletes trying to mount their bikes with numb feet and hands after swimming in 57 degree water.

If your schedule simply doesn't permit you to be in Oceanside in person to watch the event (I can't imagine!) then you can stay glued to your computer instead and go to the athlete tracker. (If that link doesn't work you are also supposed to be able to go to http://ironman.com/events/ironman70.3/ and click on "athlete tracker" under the "coverage" tab.) They say you can "follow your athlete's progress through the course, with split times, pace, transition, and position information." My bib # is 1294.

My goal is to finish before 1:13pm. That for sure won't happen if I end up having to do a plantar faciitus walk for the half marathon. I'm just hoping I don't finish before 1:13 because I'm FINISHED and can't even walk. I know Get Sladed Nation is keeping their fingers crossed for me.

Pending Legislation - A.W.N.A.A.

I must say up front that this information was obtained through the internet and must be true.

Pending Legislation - Americans With No Abilities Act

Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans: The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA). This piece of legislation is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates for the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition at a time when the unemployment rate is rising rapidly.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (a whopping 83%).

Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middleman' positions will be created with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory nonperformance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most inept employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan due to her inability to remember 'rightey tightey, lefty loosey.' "This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Congressman Barney Frank (D-MA): "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.'

New substitute teacher post

It's Not Fair!
I was in a first grade class this week. Every morning after recess we would come into the class and I would read a book from the pile of books the teacher had selected from the library. On Wednesday...

Mathematicians Discover Largest Number

To follow up my previous post, this comes from a blog called Iowahawk. I couldn't resist reposting it here:

Stimulus: artist's conception

PALO ALTO, CA - An international mathematics research team announced today that they had discovered a new integer that surpasses any previously known value "by a totally mindblowing shitload." Project director Yujin Xiao of Stanford University said the theoretical number, dubbed a "stimulus," could lead to breakthroughs in fields as diverse as astrophysics, quantum mechanics, and Chicago asphalt contracting.

"Unlike previous large numbers like the Googleplex or the Bazillionty, the Stimulus has no static numerical definition," said Xiao. "It keeps growing and growing, compounding factorially, eating up all zeros in its path. It moves freely across Cartesian dimensions and has the power to make any other number irrational."

Jean-Luc Brossard, a researcher with the European consortium CERN, said the number is so staggeringly large that it is difficult for even mathematicians to grasp, let alone lay people.

"The number itself is incomprehensible by human minds, and can only be theoretically understood in a fractional parallel universe which we refer to as the DC dimension," said Brossard. "The best way to understand a stimulus is to imagine a dollar sign followed by a packed string of hexidecimal nanodigits, wound into a triple helix, woven into a dodecahedron, and stacked on top of one another. Now imagine you were a black hole on the far edge of the universe, trying to escape the stimulus at 30 times the speed of light. The stimulus would still catch up to you and ram your black hole with such furious, repeated force that it would cause your entire reality itself to collapse."

Xiao said the team discovered the number with the help of an international network of 24 nitrogen-cooled Cray Ultracluster supercomputers, the CERN particle accelerator, and "three pounds of Humboldt County Chronic."

"The exciting news is that with more powerful computers and drugs, we believe we are on the verge of discovering an even larger number, which we refer to as a 'stimulusconferencebill,'" said Xiao. "Speaker Pelosi has already promised us the funding."